I’m untethered.

It started a little while ago. A month maybe? I’ve felt this before. A symbolic shedding of the skin. I’ll be honest, I usually anchor with something unhealthy. Distraction, socially acceptable chemicals, unhealthy attachment to another person. I think that’s pretty normal. Going through the portal or whatever metaphor you want to use, is rough. It’s pretty standard protocol to medicate in some way or another the first few trips through. This time though- I’m doing it raw. I have to tell you. It’s rough. There are moments of exhilaration. I know I’m shifting, becoming something new. There are also dark, rough, bumpy moments too. Ones where I’m swallowing bile trying not to eject my breakfast and desperately flailing around for something to hold on to.

What I’ll become when this particular metamorphosis is over? That’s anyone’s guess. I know the things I’m shedding but the wings or whatever new growth is emerging, that hasn’t quite become apparent.

I’m writing about it because this is what I’d have wanted to find if I were doing it without knowing what I was doing. By no means is this a guide- maybe just an echo in the dark- but whatever it is, if you’re here reading, it I hope it’s the echo you need. Maybe it’s just something to help you not feel so alone here in this space.

The world is not the place of magic I once thought. I passed through truths like god, spiritual design, manifestation, and all the magic themes we use to bring meaning to the chaos. They all served me well at one time or another. If they’re currently your support, please don’t take this as disapproval. All are truth in their own translation, they just aren’t my journey anymore. Staring at the lack of meaning, the truth in the chaos, the entropy- it’s not easy. I can’t say I do it without flinching. This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the spiritual. I do. I just don’t believe it’s as knowable, as accessible or intimate as our stories lead us to believe. It just is. It doesn’t need us, or need us to understand.

So what do I do through these long untethered journies? I can learn new skills. Try new things. The beauty of being untethered is the licence to abandon the restricting parts of my ego. Let go of my identity and see what comes back to me. So I’ll do that.

My social life is in flux. I have people, but my people don’t really fill the needs like they used to. There are just too many moving parts to me now, and to find the comfortable spaces takes so much restraint. To quiet the parts of me that are coming alive is not comfortable anymore.

The dichotomy of trusting life while knowing there’s no absolute truth to anchor to is just a piece of the drift into the unknown. I love that we humans find meaning, create stories, myths, connect to each other around ideas that hold us to a shared reality. I love it. But there are still the places where dreamers play- untethered but not insane. Being able to hold on to those truths while still embracing the unknown, the chaos, the undiscovered- that’s what takes practice, and that’s where I’m stretching my legs.

So if you’re untethered; going through a shift of unknown destination, feel at rest here. Come sit around my campfire and tell me about it, or settle into the silence, just know you’re not alone.